


Hey Missy Hey Missy

by DianaSolaris



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: (but its pretty heavily implied), Amnesia - Affected person assumes the other character(s) is their significant other, Canon Compliant, Captivity, During Canon, F/F, Failed Attempt At Drama, Failed Attempt At Rescue, Flirting, No Smut, POV Bill Potts, POV Missy (Doctor Who), Platonic Jealousy, Season/Series 10, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-27 07:24:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16697995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DianaSolaris/pseuds/DianaSolaris
Summary: Bill would rather be rescued by somebody else.Missy just wants some acknowledgement for her admittedly evil, but VERY effective genius.Then Bill hits her head, mistakes Missy for somebody she is definitely not, and things get weird. Humans and their kissing.





	Hey Missy Hey Missy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tish/gifts).



                Bill Potts had never regretted quitting her gymnastics class before, but as she stared up at the rope around her hands that went all the way to the ceiling, she was _really_ wishing she hadn’t dropped it for pottery. The pun had been worth it at the time.

                “Your precious Doctor cannot save you now!”

                “I really like your commitment to the character, mate, but I already knew that,” Bill grumped. “He’s got better things to do!” Maybe she was a bit bitter. “He’s got a _vault_ to guard.” A lot bitter.

                She looked down into the well she was suspended over. She could swim, at least. So it could be worse. Mind you, she didn’t even know if there was any water left in it. So it could also be _considerably_ better.

                The alien hunter – or maybe it was just a dude with really bad overbite and a masquerade mask – cackled, and Bill wondered if he’d heard anything she said. Probably not. That was the thing with men! They were so busy being _dramatic._

                The alien was getting ready to say something else, probably about how he was going to take over the world, when there was a booming knock at the door. He paused, then looked over his shoulder. “What?”

                “You better go answer that.”

                He turned back to Bill with a scowl. “Don’t try anything funny.”

                “Yeah, I’m gonna gain the flexibility to twist myself into a pretzel in the next thirty seconds.”

                Predictably, the hunter ignored her, and went to answer the door – which blew off of its hinges with a loud exclamation of victory.

                “Behold! Your saviour!” The silhouette made a grand gesture with its umbrella. “That’s how he does it, right?”

                Oh no. No. No, god, _please._

Missy strode through the door with a satisfied grin, and poked at the corpse under the collapsed door. “He’s dead. More’s the pity. The Doctor promised me a treat for every person I _didn’t_ kill.”

                Bill groaned. “Not you. Please! Go home.”

                “What kind of gratitude is that? I just saved your squishy, short life from being even shorter and squishier.”

                “Thanks. Really.”

                Missy perched her hands on her umbrella with a pout. “The Doctor saves your pathetic little life and you grovel. Where’s _my_ grovelling?”

                There was the sound of footsteps behind her, and the alien hunter reappeared, holding a gun to Missy’s head. “I was promised the Doctor!”

                “Oh, dear.”

\----

                “You couldn’t have told me he was a multibody organism _before_ I made my grand entrance?”

                “Yeah, sorry, I did a quick scan with my _sonic headband_ and figured that out!”

                “Ooh, you have a sonic headband?”

                Bill closed her eyes and tried to fend off the oncoming migraine. Missy was bad enough at a distance. Now, the two of them spun in a slow circle, tied to the same rope above the well. So, basically the same situation as before, plus a headache.

                “Don’t worry. I’ll get out of this in a jiffy.”

                “You mean get _us_ out of this.”

                “Yes, yes, whatever.”

There was a horrifying crack from behind Bill’s back, and she winced. “Please don’t tell me what that was.”

“Just a few bones, don’t worry about it.”

“I’m surprised you even care. With _you_ in trouble, the Doctor will definitely be along.”

Missy laughed. “That’s what you think.” For a moment, Bill’s spirits lifted, then Missy continued. “Can you imagine my humiliation if I needed his help on my first time out? No, no, I’d rather snap a few fingers.”

“First time out,” Bill echoed hollowly. “So I’m your _assignment._ ”

“He promised to take me somewhere interesting once you were safe and not being held hostage by hyperevolved fungi.”

“Great. Super glad.”

“He’s _worried_ about you. Is that what your little primate brain wanted to hear?” Missy’s hand, looking a little misshapen, emerged in front of Bill’s face, then wandered up to the knot keeping them in place. “Now hold on tight!”

“To _what?_ ” Bill nearly shrieked, but that was all she could get out before the depths of the well came up to meet them.

\---

Missy picked Bill up from the bottom of the well, bouncing her prone body up and down in her arms. “Okay, new thing I need to remember, humans are _not_ like cats. He’s going to be awfully mad at me. Oh well!” Missy raised her voice. “Sonic, dear? Open the gas lines.”

Her umbrella beeped in response, and Missy watched as gas filled the room above. Voice-activation had been an awfully clever idea. She could give the Doctor _that,_ at least.

Her earpiece buzzed to life. <Missy, for god’s sake. I had one request for you. One! Don’t _hurt her!_ >

“She’s fine, Doctor. Just a little unconscious. No bones broken, no internal damage – frankly, I’m impressed!”

<And you decided to gas the aliens who hadn’t done anything to you. Congratulations. You’re still an utter madman.>

“Mad _woman,_ thank you. And they embarrassed me. They had it coming.”

The Doctor sighed deeply into the earpiece. “Just figure out a way out of the well and get back to the TARDIS. Or do you need me to save you?”

“Perish the thought. We’ll be fine. Go get tea and chips or whatever it is you do with your spare time.”

The Doctor groaned again, then vanished off the link. Now she just had to figure out a way out of the well. This wouldn’t be hard – a bunch of the stones seemed to be badly secured.

Bill began to stir in Missy’s arms, and she reached lazily up, eyes still closed, wrapping her arms around Missy’s neck. “Mm… sweetie? What happened?”

Missy hurriedly turned her earpiece back on. “Doctor, I don’t mean to be a bother, but actually, a lift would be fantastic!”

“What? Really?”

Bill opened her eyes, and frowned. “You look different. Did something happen?”

“Uh – I think you’re a little _behind._ ”

“My head hurts.” Bill looked around, confusion dawning on her features. “How’d we get here? Weren’t we just on a date?”

“I think perhaps you should go back to sleep,” Missy said awkwardly. Dear god. Humans and their obsession with carnality.

“Oh. Alright,” Bill said drowsily. Then before Missy could react, or turn away, Bill had pulled her down into a kiss.

Normally, Missy wouldn’t have had any patience for this kind of thing. She remembered being married (and the harpy had shot her at the end too – talk about a perfect example of human inconstancy), and those kisses had been as dry as Missy could keep them. Humans didn’t know how to be intimate without being all _wet._

But as it turned out, Bill Potts was an _incredible_ kisser. Missy let her tongue coax her deeper in, her heartbeats speeding up slightly as Bill’s hand tangled into her hair… It was breathtaking. So _that_ was what they were always going on about.

Missy finally broke the kiss. She opened her eyes to the Tardis interior and a vicious glare from the Doctor.

“Who’s he?” asked Bill, still loopy.

“Me? I’m incredibly disapproving.” The Doctor lifted one eyebrow at Missy. “Put her down. Please.”

“But you told me not to hurt-“

“ _On the couch,_ Missy.”

Missy harrumphed, then dropped Bill unceremoniously on the couch. By the time her head hit the cushions, she was out again. “She _started_ it.”

The Doctor sighed. “I’m testing the water in that well now. And-“ The Tardis dinged. “Ah. Yes. It’s tainted with hallucinogenics. Which would be _why_ she’s kissing you.”

“Assuming nobody would ever kiss me of their own free will?”

“Masochists might. I happen to know how much you enjoy biting.” The Doctor sighed. “I have to go teach a class. I can’t babysit her but I can’t drop her off at home until the hallucinogenic’s out of her system.” Then he looked up at her with a pleading expression.

“No,” she said bluntly.

“You’re the reason she hit her head _and_ the reason she ingested any of that water in the first place.”

“I’m not a _babysitter._ ”

“It’s only for three hours.”

“No!”

“Okay. I guess I’ll drop you off back in the Vault, and-“

Missy winced. “Fine. _Fine,_ you unimaginable bastard.”

“And I want her virtue intact!”

She scoffed, putting her hands on her hips. “Clearly _you’ve_ never kissed her. ‘Virtue’ is nowhere near the top of the list for that one. At least not in _your_ allegory.”

The TARDIS door slammed shut.

Missy sat down on the far end of the couch that the Doctor had installed in the TARDIS control room, unable to help the small sigh of consternation. He’d left her alone in the TARDIS and trusted she wasn’t going to run off anywhere. That was progress. Or stupidity – both were equally likely. Still, she was starting to really detest the idea of the heroing business. What was the _point_ if she wasn’t supposed to gas people.

“Maybe I _should_ do something sneaky to you,” Missy mused out loud, staring at the TARDIS’s arched ceiling. “Would serve you right for being so bloody uncooperative.”

“Like what?”

Missy nearly jumped out of her skin, then schooled her features into a deliberate smirk. “That’s for me to know and you to eternally guess at.”

Bill cocked her head. “Really? Not even if I ask nicely?”

Uh-oh.

Missy didn’t move – mostly out of curiosity – and Bill got languidly to her feet, draping herself over Missy’s lap. “I’m down to hear all about it.”

“Kiss me again and I will smack you silly.”

“You didn’t the first time. Besides, we’re dating.”

Missy narrowed her eyes at Bill. “…Nice try.”

“What?”

Missy snorted, and slid her hands down to the young human’s hips. “While I appreciate the flirting,” she drawled, “it’s a good thing the Doctor was in a rush, or I would have brought up that your head was never anywhere near the water.”

Bill turned distinctly pink. “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about-“

“Save it, sweetcheeks. Trust me, if anybody knows what horny and desperate looks like, it’s me.”

She blew out her cheeks with a glare. “…Dammit.”

Missy poked Bill’s nose, watching it crinkle. “Aren’t there plenty of mortals for you to, ah, work through your carnal obsessions with?”

“You’d be surprised,” Bill groaned, head collapsing onto Missy’s shoulder. “Don’t get me wrong. I hate you.”

“That’s the most erotic thing you’ve said yet.”

“I’m not having sex with you,” Bill mumbled into her shoulder. Then… “How do you smell so good? We were just in a mildewy well.”

“Time Lady magic.”

Bill extricated herself from Missy’s lap, avoiding her gaze and her face still very, very pink. She pressed her legs together, and Missy couldn’t help but remember a quote – _the lady doth protest too much._ She had to admit, she was a _little_ curious. Mostly because Bill was admirably feisty; so many of the Doctor’s companions were too busy making heart-eyes at _him_ to bother making a move on his captive-slash-best-friend-slash-morality-project.

“I promise not to tell the Doctor,” Missy said with a smile.

“Oh god, really?”

“I may be a villainous mastermind but I know perfectly well if he knows what kind of _furor_ I drive his pets into, he’ll never let me out again-“ Missy’s laugh was cut off as Bill thwacked her with a pillow. Then, Bill’s face was close to hers again.

“You _promise_ not to tell?”

“Oh, absolutely. Until it’s convenient.”

“…That’s the best I’m ever gonna get from you, isn’t it?” Bill kissed her again, softer than before, but still with a bit of an edge. “You’re still a terrible person,” she whispered between kisses.

Missy pushed Bill backwards onto the couch, feeling the companion’s heartbeat quicken in her arms, the way her breath caught in her throat. “You _like_ it.”

She was in brand-new territory with this whole ‘trying to be good’ thing, anyway. She might as well broaden her horizons in other areas, too.

\---

“Bill?”

“Yes, Doctor?” she said, not looking up from her magazine. Then she lifted her eyes to him as he didn’t speak for a moment.

A black bra dangled in front of her, hanging from his sonic screwdriver.

“The TARDIS control room is _not_ your changing room. Please put this…somewhere.”

Bill tried not to blush, then took it back. “I hear you. But also, have you ever tried waiting in line for a women’s bathroom?”

“Hopefully I never have to.”

Well, Missy had kept her promise. That was a point in her favour. Bill _still_ didn’t trust her, though.


End file.
